A very good friend of mine said something to me the other day that hurt my feelings. Like many things that are hurtful, I needed to hear this one because it was truth. He said to me, "I don't like the way you treat my friend Theresa. She's one of my favorite people and you treat her like crap. You would never treat another person the way you treat yourself, and I think that's wrong. Be nice to Theresa."
It's true. I beat myself up all the time over things I have no power to change. I am so much harder on and more judgmental of myself than I ever would be of someone else. Other people are always given the benefit of the doubt. I don't know what they think or what their intentions are after all. I know what I was thinking. I know where I was going. I know what I could have done better.
The hardest part of this situation is that I don't know how I can treat myself better.
I walk myself in circles in my head. If I am kind to myself I carry guilt that perhaps I should have been less selfish. I should have focused that energy on someone else. How dare I spend money on my hair when I'm cutting my sons' hair inexpertly in the kitchen?? How can I go to bed early when I have their school schedule and lunches to organize for the morning?? How can I tell a friend in crisis I don't want to go out for coffee and talk about their feelings because all I really want is to sit on my couch and watch Star Trek Voyager on Netflix?? How can I take a day off of work to go to the doctor when my boss obviously really needs me??
People are not machines. We are not meant to run full tilt all the time. Sometimes we need rest and when those moments occur, beating ourselves up is pointless because if we don't, our bodies will simply shut down and we won't have to beat ourselves up. We'll already be beaten.
My worst moments however are not necessarily struggling with obligation... my worst moments are dealing with the crises that happen in my life without thinking I could have prevented them somehow. For example how could I have prevented my son from acting out in school? Obviously I'm sitting right next to him in his classroom enforcing all of the behavioral rules I've preached since his birth. If I am logically aware that I can actually do nothing to change his behavior from my remote location, why on earth do I have this irrational need to blame myself for it? Yet here I am, doing exactly that.
I have learned in my short life that I do not know what the future holds. (I know that's a random segue, but stay with me... I promise I'll tie it in!) Every day is new and fresh and things happen that I never expected. So many things have happened in the past several years that I never thought possible for me, yet here I am sitting at this table writing these words... I am beyond blessed!
And maybe that's the key. Everyday I need to look at my blessings, discover just how wonderful this life is, remind myself that while sometimes hard things happen, beautiful things happen to. Perhaps there are things that are my fault. Perhaps I could have flapped my butterfly wings and changed the course of war in Africa, but I didn't. Instead I made an impact elsewhere and left a joy-filled crater that I can't beat myself up for.
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