I was standing in the shower this morning (that's where I have most of my brilliant ideas) with a cup of coffee. This is something I do regularly; lazy weekend morning indulgence with the water so hot it leaves my skin red, drinking a cup of coffee that tastes slightly of shampoo. I can feel the toxins leeching out of my pores under the steady attention of steam and exfoliating body wash, and today tears, hotter than the water, splashing into my coffee.
To be honest I don't cry very often. I get angry sometimes and I laugh most of the time, but I don't cry. I hate it. It makes my face all red and splotchy, gives me a headache, and makes me feel gross in general. So when I do feel the need to cry, I make some excuse and hide myself in the shower. So today it was hot water, coffee, and tears.
A decision was made (by me) that will make my life very difficult in the coming months. It was a right decision. It was a good decision. It was a decision that needed to be made. It was made with much deliberation, advice seeking, and internal moral wrestling. But I am not looking forward to it's results. Frankly, I'm terrified. Yep. I said it. I am flat out scared.
Okay. That's great. That's enough to lead to tears in the shower, but it didn't. Nope. Here's what did:
I feel very alone.
Ugh.
Who wants to admit that? Especially when I know full well that I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family who would support me to the ends of the earth! And here's what's worse:
I relate to those obnoxious internet memes that say "She says she's fine, but inside she's coming apart." Only mine would read, "She says she's fine, but when she runs off to the shower she cries into a cup of coffee!"
I don't want to be that girl. I want to be wonderfully stable, happy even in the worst of times, the rock that everyone else runs to because they need advice or a smile or just to know that everything is going to be okay. I want to be infectious laughter, the bright light of hope in the darkness, an inspiration. I want to be fun, funny, and endearingly dysfunctional. I don't want to be the melodramatic sigh that makes everyone cringe while reading my facebook page.
The truth is, we are all that girl sometimes. Not always. But sometimes everyone sinks into that darkness where the debate between the health benefits of a jog and a glass of red wine ends in the bottom of the wine bottle and the desire to adopt every dog on the ASPCA website so that someone can have a good life! (Okay, so maybe that's just my personal scenario, but I still feel like someone on the planet can relate.)
Because everyone has those moments. Everyone. And yet I am so blind I am to other people's coffee in the shower tears. My theory is that they, like myself, hide these moments. I have my own reasons. I don't want to be perceived as a weak, internet meme following pussy indulging in a hormone driven emotional breakdown. But that's the truth. I am that girl. And while 85% of the time I am a strong, together, bill-paying, responsible adult, the other 15% of the time I'm ashamed of who I am.
And I shouldn't be. There is room in me to be both women; strong, independent and happy but with weaknesses and (God forbid!) needs that I can't fulfill by myself. Hiding my personal pain and fear is not the right answer. Crying in the shower isn't bad, but it doesn't lead to answers or to the kind of peace I'm searching for. Sometimes I should open my mouth and actually share what really matters to me, but it is so hard to be that vulnerable.
